by Keir Brady | Feb 19, 2020 | Couples
Sharing things that are upsetting or often lead to conflict in your relationship can be hard. If you are uncomfortable with conflict, you may decide to keep these things to yourself. However, doing this can have a negative impact on your couple intimacy. Although it may not be easy, saying what you need to say, even if it may lead to conflict, is important for a healthy relationship. If you struggle with this, the following tips might make it easier for you to speak up in your relationship.
What Happens When You Don’t Speak Up
When you don’t speak up in your relationship, your couple connection and intimacy can suffer. Bottling up your feelings and needs, can lead to resentment and loneliness in your relationship. Maybe you don’t fight, but it is probably difficult for you to feel known and understood by your partner as well. Your connection can begin to feel superficial. Denying your feelings and needs can lead to an internal struggle that can weaken your self-esteem and lead to symptoms of anxiety and depression.
Why It Can Be Hard To Speak Up
It can be hard to speak up about things that might be bothering you in your relationship. One of the reasons that this might be true, is you may be afraid it will lead to a fight. Although conflict can be good for your relationship and even bring you closer together, it can trigger fears of abandonment. You may have a fear that fighting with your partner will lead to the end of your relationship. Therefore, you might feel as though you have to bite your tongue and keep everything pleasant. The problem with this is that you could end up resenting your partner and feeling disconnected. In order to have a healthy intimate connection, you need to be able to say what’s on your mind. This is true, even if it causes an argument. There are some things you can do to help you speak up in your relationship, even if you are afraid it might lead to conflict.
1. Know Yourself
In order to speak up and say what you need to say in your relationship, you need to know yourself and what’s important to you. Spend time feeling your feelings. Notice your fears and what happens just before you shut down. Be aware of certain triggers that cause you to feel uncomfortable and keep you from speaking up. Write out what you need, why it’s important to you, why it’s hard for you to share, and what makes it easier for you to speak up. When you are clear with what you need to say and why you need to say it, you can devise a plan for how you are going to do it.
2. Know What To Let Go
While it is important to speak up when something is bothering you, it is also helpful to let some things go. Sometimes, if you have been holding back instead of speaking up, you might notice that everything starts to bother you. You want to determine if what is bothering you is something that you need to bring up, or something you can let go. To help you decide this, figure out if it bothers you if others do it, or only when your partner does it. Also, consider if this is an issue your partner needs to change, or if it is your issue. When you can let the unimportant things go, it can be easier to identify the important things that you do need to bring up.
3. Talk About The Little Things
Talk to your partner about the things that are easier for you to discuss. Usually, these are things about your day that have nothing to do with your partner. This helps foster a connection so you will be more comfortable bringing up the things that might lead to conflict. When it is hard for you to speak up for yourself in your relationship, you might start pulling away and stop talking about the unimportant things as well. If you feel disconnected from your partner, it is usually harder to seek them out for conversation. When conversation becomes a habit in your relationship, it will be easier to bring up the things that are bothering you.
4. Have Clear Boundaries
Having clear boundaries with yourself and your partner can make arguments easier to manage. For yourself, have a goal in mind. If you know you need to discuss something your partner said that hurt you, figure out what you want to accomplish. Are you bringing it up so they will be aware it hurts you? Do you want them to stop saying it? With your partner, you can determine when it is hard for you to discuss things and what makes it easier. For example, if you shut down when your partner yells, you may need a boundary around this. Let them know what you need from them and why. If they yell when you are trying to share what is bothering you, give them a warning the first time and walk away for awhile the second time. Let them know when you will come back and try again. When you have boundaries in place, it can make it easier for you to share what is bothering you.
5. Pick A Good Time
Timing can be very important when you need to talk about something that is hard for you. If you try to have this discussion at an inconvenient time, you may not feel heard by your partner. This might make it hard for you to bring up other things that bother you and can cause you to shut down further. If your partner is busy with something, or has other plans, it might not be a good time to talk. Ask your partner if it is a good time to talk. If it isn’t, you can agree on a time that works better. When you know that you will have your partner’s undivided attention, it can be easier for you to speak up.
6. Use Effective Communication Skills
Effective communication skills can help you feel more comfortable sharing with your partner. Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. When you use “you” statements, your partner can become defensive and it will be hard for them to truly listen to you. When your partner speaks, reflect back what you hear them say. Ask them to do this after you speak as well. This is about active listening. If you are listening so that you can reflect back what they are trying to say, you cannot be focused on preparing your response. After you hear their reflection, you can clarify your message to make sure they understand your position.
Speaking up in your relationship helps foster a deeper bond. If you tried these tips and notice you are still avoiding conflict with your partner, couples counseling can help. When you are able to openly share with your partner, the intimacy in your relationship and your overall well-being can improve.
by Keir Brady | Feb 12, 2020 | Couples
Arguments in relationships are normal. When you are able to work through conflict together, intimacy can deepen. However, when you or your partner handle conflict by avoiding it altogether, your relationship can suffer. Although things may seem fine on the surface, anger, resentment, and bitterness can be brewing underneath. In fact, avoiding conflict can cause many problems in your relationship and can weaken your couple connection.
What Is Relationship Conflict
Relationship conflict refers to a disagreement, argument, or debate that takes place between two people within a relationship. Relationship conflict highlights basic differences between you and your partner. It is a normal part of a relationship. When two people with different backgrounds, beliefs, ideas, wants and desires come together, conflict is bound to occur. Conflict has a negative connotation, but can actually be quite healthy for your relationship. However, fighting with your partner can be uncomfortable for some. In order to avoid an emotional response, you might instead avoid conflict altogether.
What Is Conflict Avoidance
Conflict avoidance refers to a way of addressing a disagreement or problem by intentionally not dealing with it. One of the most common ways of avoiding conflict is to ignore the problem. By ignoring the problem and not discussing it, you don’t have to deal with the outcome. Another way to avoid conflict is to change the subject. When your partner is discussing something that upsets them, you start discussing something bothering you instead. This is a way of deflecting your partner’s concerns. Stonewalling, or shutting down, also helps you avoid conflict. When you stonewall, you might remove yourself from the situation every time an uncomfortable topic is brought up. You could also simply refuse to respond to your partner. Doing this can help you avoid uncomfortable topics, but can seem very dismissive to your partner.
Why Conflict Is Avoided
Reasons that you might avoid conflict can vary. At the beginning of a relationship, you might feel that if you have a fight, your relationship will end. You might decide to remain silent to avoid possible disagreements. For many, conflict is seen as bad. You might be afraid that you will hurt your partner, or that conflict will lead to more problems. There can be a fear of not being liked by your partner, so you hide your true feelings. Perhaps, you never witnessed healthy conflict and resolution when you were a child. If you experienced childhood abuse, you may even fear conflict. This fear can lead to a belief that conflict is dangerous and must be avoided. However, avoiding conflict can lead to problems in your relationship that can be difficult to overcome.
A Pursuer/Distancer Dynamic Can Develop
If you avoid conflict, your partner might try to get you to respond to them by pursuing you more. In response, you could end up becoming even more distant. This sets up an unhealthy relationship dynamic. The more you withdraw, the more your partner chases. However, the anxiety this causes in each of you can actually perpetuate the cycle. Instead of bringing you closer, this relationship dynamic creates distance that can be hard to understand and address.
Resentment Can Build
Resentment is the bitterness and anger you feel as a result of perceived mistreatment. When your partner never wants to discuss the things that are bothering you, the issues can’t be resolved. Over time, this can lead to resentment. Resentment can occur when you feel your needs aren’t being met. It can be difficult for you to have empathy for your partner when you think they don’t understand you. You may begin to feel as though they don’t really care about you or your feelings. It is hard to even attempt to meet each other’s needs when you are not discussing your needs. When resentment builds up, you notice all the ways your partner is disappointing you. If it continues to build, it can eventually lead to an explosion, or even contempt.
Intimacy Can Weaken
Intimacy is about having a deep connection with your partner. When you feel like you can share your wants, needs, and concerns, intimacy is strengthened. Keeping things pleasant on the surface, but being unable to discuss what bothers you, can erode your couple intimacy. When you feel as though can’t talk to your partner, intimacy suffers. You can begin to feel distant from one another. This can affect all aspects of your relationship. If you don’t feel deeply bonded, your sex life and couple connection can begin to erode.
Communication Problems Can Occur
When you don’t talk to your partner about what is bothering you, it can be difficult to talk in general. Discussing superficial topics can become strained and difficult as bottled up feelings and resentment eventually need an outlet. Instead of just avoiding conflict, you might end up avoiding your partner altogether. Tension lying just beneath the surface can be strongly felt. Superficial conversation can begin to feel meaningless, and you might avoid communicating with your partner at all.
Feelings Of Loneliness Can Increase
Everyone longs to feel heard and understood. The more you avoid conflict, the less heard and understood you begin to feel. You might begin to believe that your relationship is lacking meaningful connection. The more distant you feel, the more distance can build. When you do not feel safe sharing things with your partner, you could start to feel lonely. You could keep things bottled up so it doesn’t lead to conflict. The fear of facing conflict and being vulnerable in your relationship can actually increase feelings of loneliness.
These are just some of the ways that avoiding conflict can affect your relationship. If you notice that your relationship is suffering because you or your partner avoid conflict, couples counseling can help. When you are able to address conflict, instead of avoiding it, your couple connection can strengthen.
by Keir Brady | Jan 22, 2020 | Couples
When you have an adult relationship, you probably expect to relate to each other as equals. However, when one partner takes on the majority of the responsibility, a parent-child relationship dynamic can develop. If this dynamic continues, it can decrease your relationship satisfaction and emotional well-being. Understanding the parent-child relationship dynamic can help you break the pattern and establish a more equal partnership.
The Parent-Child Dynamic
The parent-child relationship dynamic occurs when one person in a romantic relationship takes on the role of the parent, and their partner takes on the role of the child. There are a number of reasons why this dynamic could develop between a couple. However, this sets up a power dynamic that is unequal. This type of relationship dynamic can lead to resentment and discontent. The parent takes charge and makes the rules. This causes a type of codependency that might work until the child decides to rebel, or the parent becomes too resentful.
In this relationship dynamic, the person who takes on the role of the parent can vary depending on the situation. For example, the husband can take on the role of the parent and the wife the child with finances and the roles can reverse with the household chores. Both the parent and the child can end up resenting the other for being too bossy, or not helping out enough. This can lead to a breakdown in communication and intimacy. In this dynamic, the parent will ask the child to complete a task and follow up to see if it was done. The child often will not complete the task on purpose, and the dynamic continues.
The Parent-Partner Role
The partner that takes on the role of the parent is often a natural nurturer. They enjoy taking care of others and can show their love by doing this. However, they can also be somewhat controlling and believe that there is only one right way to complete a task. The parent partner can be more demanding, act superior, and even become a disciplinarian in their primary relationship. It is easy for them to view their partner as someone that needs to be taken care of because they are irresponsible, helpless, or incompetent. They have a hard time respecting their partner’s boundaries or trusting them to do the right thing. Someone in the parent role might have a more anxious attachment style and could have difficulty directly confronting irresponsible behavior and setting appropriate boundaries. Overtime, they can build up resentment toward their partner for not contributing as much to the relationship.
The Child-Partner Role
The partner that takes on the role of the child often takes on a more passive role. They might even enjoy being taken care of in the beginning of the relationship. Interests and hobbies outside of the partnership can take up a lot of their time and attention. They may feel disrespected by their partner and can begin to withdraw from the relationship. It is difficult for them to establish firm boundaries and they may resort to passive-aggressive behaviors to get their way. Someone in the child role could have a more avoidant attachment style and might withdraw from conflict and their partner. They could feel victimized by their partner, but could also rely on them and feel somewhat helpless in the relationship. The child partner can end up resenting the parent partner for their overinvolvement and can resent their advice and act out either overtly or covertly.
The Attraction
The parent-child dynamic can be comforting initially. For the child partner, it can be flattering to be given so much attention. While for the parent partner, they are able to nurture someone who seems appreciative. Both partners may have witnessed this type of interaction in their family of origin. Therefore, they may each believe that this dynamic is a normal way of relating. The partner that takes on the child role can feel cared for, while the one that takes on the parent role can feel needed. Parent partners can control their environment and spend a lot of energy on their relationship, and child partners can focus on their interests outside of their relationship. Problems develop overtime as the inequality in this dynamic becomes glaring and leads to resentment from both partners.
Changing The Dynamic
The parent-child dynamic in relationships can be toxic and can erode effective communication and intimacy. If you find that your relationship fits this pattern, it will be important to change the dynamic and create a more peer based relationship. This type of relationship requires both partners to equally contribute to the relationship and make decisions jointly. Both the parent partner and the child partner will need to communicate more overtly and establish effective boundaries to break the pattern. This requires give and take from each partner. The parent partner will need to relinquish some control and rely more on their partner. Likewise, the child partner will need to take on more responsibility and put more effort into the relationship.
What The Parent-Partner Can Do
The partner in the parenting role can allow their spouse to contribute in their own way. This requires the parent to stop being so controlling. You may have anxiety about things getting done or of everything falling apart, but building trust in your partner is essential. To do this, it’s important to back off and let your partner do things their way. Ask your partner for their input. Let them gain some control. Making a list of what needs to be done and jointly deciding who will do what is one way to establish more equality. It is helpful to be open to your partner’s ideas and input, even if it is quite different from your own. Being more overt about your needs can keep resentment from building and increase your emotional intimacy. When you can be more vulnerable with your partner, you can deepen your connection.
What The Child-Partner Can Do
The partner in the child role can take on a more active role in the relationship. Set firm boundaries around the way you expect to be treated. If your spouse is talking down to you or scolding you, let them know that it is not okay. Agree to tasks that you can complete, and follow through. Instead of engaging in passive-aggressive behaviors to get your way, you can be direct. Let your partner know that the relationship is important and you are there for them. Support your partner when they are struggling and listen to them. Come together as a team and make joint decisions about your relationship and running the household.
If you notice the parent-child dynamic in your relationship, couples counseling can help. Once you understand the pattern, you can take steps to create a more equal partnership. This can help improve your intimacy and overall relationship satisfaction.
by Keir Brady | Jan 1, 2020 | Couples
Spending time together as a couple away from other distractions is good for your relationship. Date nights can help you increase your intimacy, passion, and couple connection. When life gets hectic and work, children, and other commitments demand more of your time, you might be tempted to stop going on date nights. However, making a commitment with your spouse to go on regular date nights together can help keep your relationship strong.
Why Go On Dates
Committing to regular date nights can strengthen your relationship and can help deepen your emotional intimacy. Over time, it can be easy to fall into a routine in your daily life and your relationship. Work, kids, and social engagements can keep you quite busy. It might seem as though most of your conversations are about your schedules. While this can be common in relationships, you could begin to take your partner for granted. In order to keep your relationship strong, you need to spend time focusing on each other. When you agree to weekly date nights, you know you will have a set time to work on your marriage and communication, to keep your connection strong. Below are some date night ideas to get you started.
Establish Ground Rules
To make sure that your date night gets off to a good start, you will want to establish some ground rules. For instance, if most of your conversations revolve around your children, you can make a pact not to discuss the kids on your date. You could do this with any topic that you discuss often or that you fight about. This will force you to switch up the conversation. It will be helpful to decide who is going to plan the date, who will get the sitter, and who will make the reservations. Taking turns with these tasks is always a good option. You can establish rules around phone use, checking on the kids, and anything else that could interfere with the success of your date. Making these decisions upfront can help your date night run smoothly.
Keep It Simple
Your date night plans do not have to be elaborate. A picnic at the beach, a walk around the lake, or simply cooking a meal together can give you enough couple time to keep your connection strong. What you do together isn’t as important as your intention. Keep the focus on each other. Ask each other questions, and talk about your hopes, fears, and dreams. A simple date with your spouse can be quite magical and can help you maintain a loving relationship.
Go Out
Go out with your partner. Every now and then it’s nice to have a change of scenery. Plan a night out with your spouse. You can dress up and go to your favorite restaurant, go to a sporting event or concert, or visit a local museum. When you spend time with your partner doing things you love, it helps deepen your bond. It’s easier to take a break from your everyday worries and concerns and focus on each other when you plan a fun outing. Making an effort to go out together and do something you enjoy can help keep your relationship healthy.
Stay Home
While going out for date nights is important, staying home together can be just as beneficial. If you have a newborn, or time or financial constraints, you can have a date night at home. Put the kids to bed early or have a relative watch them and slow dance in the kitchen, watch a movie, or give your partner a massage. Talk to each other, and make sure to listen too. Who knows, you might even learn something new about your spouse. With a little effort, you can make your date night in just as enjoyable as your date night out.
Learn Something
Plan an educational date where you can both learn something. Learning something with your partner engages your brain in a different way that can be invigorating. You could take a cooking class, dance class, or a self-defense class together. Learning new things requires vulnerability. Being vulnerable with each other facilitates a deeper level of bonding. When you actively learn something new and fun, you can also feel closer to your partner. An engaging educational date can strengthen your connection as you stimulate your mind.
Try Something New
On your date night, get out of your comfort zone and try something new. Doing new things helps break the routine. This could be something as simple as trying a new restaurant, or something a little more daring like facing your fear of heights, with your partner by your side of course. You don’t want your date night to simply become another routine. When you are willing to switch things up and try something new, at least some of the time, your date nights will be more interesting and less predictable. If you try something new with your partner, you will most likely associate the challenge and fun you had with being with your partner. This can be helpful in any long term relationship.
Recreate Something Special
It is always good to try something new, but remembering a special time you experienced can also be a great way to reconnect. Recreating a special time in your past can help rekindle the positive emotions associated with that time. A little nostalgia can be quite romantic and good for your relationship. Recreating your first date or another special time can help you reminisce about the good you’ve experienced together. This enables you to feel those feelings all over again. Sharing these positive feelings again can enhance your bond.
These are just some of the ways you can use your date night to strengthen your relationship. If you are struggling to connect with your partner, couples counseling can help. Focusing on your relationship by making date night a priority can help keep your relationship strong and healthy.
by Keir Brady | Nov 20, 2019 | Couples
Mental illness can be hard on couples. If your spouse is diagnosed with a mental illness, your relationship can begin to feel like it exists solely to manage the illness. The stress involved can reach a crisis level. Although having a spouse with a mental illness can be difficult at times, it is possible to maintain a healthy and happy marriage.
Living With Someone With A Mental Illness
When your partner is diagnosed with a mental illness such as bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, or major depression, it can be hard on your relationship. Your spouse might require more help, and may not be able to manage the same tasks as before. It could be hard to take care of your own obligations, while also taking on your partner’s responsibilities. This can cause resentment. The unpredictable nature of their illness can be difficult to deal with. You may be afraid of what the future will hold. The fear, worry, and added strain can cause problems with your own physical and mental health. You may see your spouse as a child that needs to be cared for and could feel quite alone. Although it can be challenging when your spouse has a mental illness, there are some things you can do to help your relationship not only survive, but also thrive.
1. Educate Yourself
Learn everything you can about the mental illness that your spouse is experiencing. It can be easier to separate who your partner is from the mental illness they are dealing with when you are aware of the symptoms of their illness. This can help you work together as a team fighting the illness, instead of fighting against your partner. When you understand their illness, it can help you be more aware of some of the subtle changes that can occur. This way you can seek help in the early stages of a relapse. Educating yourself on the illness helps you prepare for the expected changes and take charge of the things within your control. Knowing what to expect can help you manage the situation more effectively.
2. Have Strong Boundaries
While it is normal to want to help your spouse, and you may need to take on extra responsibilities, having strong boundaries can keep you from enabling them. Having strong boundaries requires you to know yourself, your capabilities, and your limits. If you overcompensate for your partner, make excuses for them, or take on everything yourself, you could end up resenting them. You have limits, needs, and expectations that need to be honored by having firm boundaries. For instance, you can have a boundary around them managing their illness by taking their prescribed medications and attending their therapy appointments. A consequence for not taking their medication as prescribed could be that they have to take it in front of someone. Boundaries are for you, not for the other person. If your partner stops taking their medication, they could suffer a major relapse which could have a negative impact on you.
3. Practice Self-Care
To be able to deal with the added responsibilities surrounding your partner’s mental illness, you need to take care of yourself. Make time for yourself and do the things that you enjoy. Eat well-balanced healthy meals. Exercise regularly. Get enough sleep. Spend time with friends and family. Practice meditation and mindfulness and take care of your spiritual needs. Do things that bring you joy, comfort you, and relax or energize you. If you neglect self-care, your own physical and mental health can suffer and you could experience caregiver burnout. When you take time out of your day to attend to your emotional and physical well-being, you will have more to give your spouse.
4. Communicate With Your Spouse
When your spouse has a mental illness, you may spend a lot of time biting your tongue so you don’t say something that will make things worse. However, not sharing your experience, concerns, and even your frustrations, can lead to feelings of loneliness and disconnection. Externalizing the illness and sharing how it’s impacting each of you, can bring you closer together. This way you can band together to fight the negative impact of your common enemy. When you don’t discuss these things, you could build up resentment that can come out as bitterness, anger, or even contempt. Keeping the lines of communication open will keep your relationship strong, even in the midst of a mental illness.
5. Get Support
When your spouse is struggling with a mental illness, they may not be able to do all of the things that they were able to do before. Although you may be able to handle some of the added responsibilities on your own, asking others for help can make things a lot easier. You can ask your family, friends, and even your community to help you out. Make a list of the things that you need help with and see who is able to help and when. Join a support group. Reach out to your church. Or, ask your neighbors for help. When you ask others for help, you are less likely to feel overwhelmed and better able to care for your loved ones, and yourself.
6. Get Professional Help
Your spouse may not be the only one that can benefit from counseling. It may also be helpful for you. Therapy can provide a safe space for you to process your feelings about your situation in a healthy way. You could also learn effective coping strategies in therapy. Couples counseling can help keep the focus on your relationship. By actively working on your relationship, you can learn ways to effectively manage the more difficult stages of the illness as a team. The added support that you receive for yourself and your relationship can help both you and your marriage remain strong and healthy.
Although having a spouse with a mental illness can be challenging, it does not have to destroy your marriage. With help and support, you can manage the reality of your situation effectively and grow closer to each other. Working together, your marriage can strengthen and thrive.
by Keir Brady | Oct 2, 2019 | Couples
Connection and autonomy are essential components of a healthy, secure relationship. When things are going well, it is easy to navigate the conflicting needs of spending time together and spending time apart. However, when things become stressful due to life transitions, illness, or other concerns, balancing these needs can be hard. This is especially true when one person pulls their partner close, and the other pushes their partner away. When this happens, a relationship pattern known as pursuer/distancer can develop. If the pursuer/distancer relationship pattern becomes an ongoing part of the couple relationship, it could be difficult for the relationship to survive.
The Pursuer/Distancer Pattern
A pursuer/distancer relationship pattern can occur when a couple experiences relationship stress. There is a struggle between the need for closeness and the need for distance. When the pursuer experiences relationship stress, they turn to their partner for increased closeness and reassurance. The distancer feels overwhelmed by their partner’s pursuit and withdraws to relieve anxiety. The pursuer then increases their efforts to ease their own anxiety, often through criticism, anger, and making more demands. This causes the distancer to withdraw further and respond critically to the added demands, while avoiding their partner by increasing involvement in other areas of their life. The pursuer can eventually feel defeated and withdraw from the relationship, becoming the distancer. The distancer can then fear that their partner will leave the relationship, so they take on the role of the pursuer, and thus the pattern continues. While this can be a normal pattern in relationships during times of stress, it can be problematic if it becomes entrenched. When this happens, the behavior of one partner triggers and perpetuates the behavior of the other.
An Example
The pursuer/distancer pattern can cause a lot of problems for a couple and can interfere with their ability to maintain a loving connection. For example, a couple is sitting on the couch together watching television. The wife turns off the television and asks her husband what’s wrong. The husband says nothing is wrong, he was just trying to watch the show. The wife gets upset and tells the husband that he always shuts down and he never shares his feelings with her. The husband says that he doesn’t know what she is talking about and that she is overreacting. The wife tells the husband that he is cold and emotionless and probably doesn’t even have feelings. The husband says he has work to do and leaves the room. Either partner can assume either role. This can also change over time or in different situations. This relationship pattern can be extremely destructive. It can lead to divorce or separation if this pattern continues to be a regular part of the relationship.
Pursuers
The partner that is the pursuer tends to enjoy talking about their feelings with their partner and needs emotional closeness. When problems arise, they react quickly and emotionally. The purser often has an anxious attachment style and requires a lot of reassurance from their partner. They need a lot of affection, connection, and attention from their partner in order to feel secure in their relationship. Expressing feelings comes easily to pursuers and they crave a deep connection with their partner. They can be emotionally intense and highly sensitive and are very attuned to the slightest hint of rejection. When their partner requires space, they can take it as a personal rejection and can resort to nagging, criticism, and blaming in order to ease their anxiety and try to force their partner to reconnect. This behavior often pushes their partner even further away.
Distancers
The distancer values independence and requires a great deal of personal space. When problems occur, they like to think things through, and avoid uncomfortable emotions by engaging in compulsive behaviors. They often have an avoidant attachment style and require emotional and physical space when relationship anxiety is high. Autonomy is highly valued and it can be difficult for them to identify their feelings and express vulnerability. Although they also value connection, distancers can feel overwhelmed by their partner’s pursuit as they need to feel emotionally safe to establish and maintain a connection. To avoid feeling emotional pressure and to protect both themselves and the relationship, they minimize their partner’s concerns, shut down and go silent to avoid conflict, and withdraw from their partner. The distancer responds to their partner’s pleas for connection with rationality, which can cause their partner to feel rejected and misunderstood.
The Attraction
Pursuers and distancers are often quite drawn to one another as they each have what the other lacks. Distancers can view pursuers as being passionate, direct, and ambitious. Pursuers, on the other hand, see distancers as calm, self-reliant, and confident. When trouble occurs, the natural opposite reactions of the pursuer and distancer create anxiety for their partner. This anxiety reinforces the pattern and the pursuer becomes more insistent on connection and increases their emotional response, while the distancer responds to the increase in intensity by withdrawing further. Each time a problem arises, the pattern becomes more deeply ingrained.
Breaking The Pattern
Breaking the pursuer/distancer pattern requires each of the partner’s to give a little. The reality is that everyone needs both autonomy and connection. Relationships require give and take and asking for what you need. Understanding and addressing the attachment needs of your partner during times of relationship stress can stop the pursuer/distancer pattern. It takes a willingness to acknowledge the pattern, directly ask for what you need from your partner, and alter the automatic response that occurs when relationship anxiety takes over.
What Pursuers Can Do
Since the pursuer is often more concerned about the distance in the relationship and more motivated to fix it, changing the pattern often starts with them. The pursuer needs to find a way to stop the chase. The pursuer can acknowledge their needs and clearly state what they are. Instead of turning towards the relationship to meet all of their needs, they can create a rich experience outside of their relationship and begin to meet some of their own needs. When they can learn to self-soothe, they can calm their relationship anxiety and decrease the demands and criticism. By embracing their own need for independence, they can turn to their partner for interconnection, instead of turning to them to relieve their anxiety.
What Distancers Can Do
The distancer can also change the relationship pattern by focusing on their own behavior. Distancers can schedule a time to connect with their partner, both emotionally and physically. Scheduled connection time also allows for scheduled alone time. When the pursuer knows that there is a scheduled time for connection, it can decrease their anxiety about the relationship and their need to pursue. The distancer can start being more vulnerable with their partner. They can share their day, their feelings, and thoughts, and actively listen to their partner. They can ask for space and time to think about an issue their partner has brought up if needed. When asking for time and space, they should let their partner know when they plan to discuss it. When the distancer is able to support their partner in times of stress, instead of withdrawing, the couple can achieve a greater balance between independence and togetherness.
The pursuer/distancer pattern becomes a concern when it becomes entrenched. When you notice the pursuer/distancer pattern becoming more prevalent in your relationship, stopping it will be important to the health of your partnership. If you find it difficult to stop this pattern on your own, couples counseling can help. Learning how to acknowledge and meet each other’s attachment needs without falling into this destructive pattern, can help you create the successful relationship you want.
